2025! And Four Decades

    It has been a ride. This life , particularly the one after the Mandela effects. What a time to be alive. What a place to remember being born into. An American at the turn of the millennium; Counted with the millennial generation (Gen-Y). 

Oddly enough, or maybe as odd as I am, I do not compare to my peers. 

Status, achievements, thinking, appearance, goals, failures... There's just something different about this personal and hidden side and learning to accept it over the last two decades; the first decade was ignorance and the second one was a rude awakening. 

Sometimes deprecating in ways that are purely illogical, but honest to say bad choices were made and life is not nearly as bad as it could be. 

    There's been some time to reflect, since turning 40...which was in mid-May. 

Reflecting on what hasn't been accomplished, based on goals from a younger age.

The conclusion: A lot of what was wanted wasn't necessary. 

A strong pill to swallow, because being told so many things about to do or what's 'destined'. 

Almost forgot that usually there's a rejection of claims of "potential". Knowing that blessings come in many ways that others aren't obvious...that others may never experience.

Times of hardship from childhood were enough to leave an imprint. A stark reminder that bad things happen to people for no logical reason and it is fortunate to have ever lived.

Surviving the conscious being, me, has been the challenge of life. 

Surviving the evil people of the world is certainly a thing, riveting BS; however, it would be a lie to say this life is marked with abuse. Perhaps a feeling of being misused, misunderstood, and misguided and therefore traumatized. Yet again, not bad enough to think of it all as a curse. 

A curse lived? Sure. That of non-perfection and of spiritual separation from the Creator; faithfully adhering to the hope that it is all just temporary and does matter in the grand scheme of it all.

    The pitfalls of society are getting under this skin and it all feels so strange that there's a bit amusement to it. Something like a mechanism to cope. Perhaps a relinquishment of control. 

Some of the warnings from friends and family, years worth, have come to fruition at the forefront of the minds of those who were once blindsided by their own quests for success. 

Unfortunately these people don't seem to remember being told anything of equal value from these lips and some of these people are more familiar with their inaccuracy of presenting a personality than remembering actual events. 

    A favorite thing to hear is that my actions equate to a lack of love for God; though I don't hear it as much anymore. The reason may be centered around a distance from interaction, a hesitance to be subjected to incrimination without explanation. 

Admittingly there has certainly been a doubt, inwardly and outwardly, that doing anything correctly is impossible.

Claiming to be a good person is not part of the vocabulary these lips utter; however, what is evil in the inward world or of the soul that I should know?

            Do not give up on God. 

    That is a mantra. 
Taking life one step at a time is a necessity. There is so much more to be gained from being patient and submissive with the divine Creator. What is lost becomes a joyful remembrance of what was clearly a weight on the shoulders. Leaning on the understanding of the Lord has repeatedly proven to be an act of true faith; a way of life that has prevented the nihilism of the heart from rooting bitterness in every part of the mind. 

    Falling a lot.. Getting back up. Moments of failure sometimes excite a deep rage against the self, but coming back to the waking senses to realize that there is no room for tolerating evil. Abhorrence..to say the least.
Somehow clinging to what is good is not welcomed unless what is good is dictated by some virtue-signaling, political rhetoric. Knowing better than mistake popularity with what is good in the eyes of God. 
The need to do what is right, in the sight of people, doesn't change what a faith in God's understanding. Confidently known, as known since childhood, is that many people will try to defeat someone on account of a lie and with calculated misdeeds.

In some cases evil wins the battle...

But what of the war?

    Walking the line of inner development isn't easy.

It isn't a short task and there's no shortcuts along the way. 

The craziness of others is enough of a distraction that I am surprised that I even do this kind of thing. Each time, returning from the dream world, there's a reminder that everyone falls off the band-wagon.

The search within is a sort of madness that evokes and emotional response of rage and repentance. 

First the rage of mistakes from bad choices and also the uncontrolled events of reality; then soon to follow is a repentance for the misdeeds of my choices regardless of their outcomes. 

Trying to escape the justice of personal actions is felt deep in the subconscious and experiencing it in dreams, where questionably immoral choices exist, are disturbing after waking up.

Accountability of what is done in the dream world is not quite the fixating matter it is in the conscious world, but a reflection of what it may mean symbolically to the spiritual.

It is all a part of the learning process that wont let go. 

The combination of insanity from multiple places and seemingly different dimensions of consciousness create this perplexing tapestry of learning that has become a sort of platform of understanding that can't be explained.

Being accustomed to the inability to explain experiences, there's no doubt that there's a deeper meaning to the experiences in themselves. 

    The need to push forward is marked by an acceptance of mortality. 

Not enough time to accomplish what is desired. 

Never prepared for the twists and winding ways of the world when attempting to walk the narrow road of righteousness. Persisting to hold on when slipping off the edge, by the strength of something greater and more merciful than anything mustered from within. Giving credit to the Creator for wisdom that must be given.

Reminded, since childhood, all of this can get worse.

Why it hasn't isn't of concern for what tomorrow holds. Today could be the last and it should be lived as though there was never a chance to see the sun set. 

Therefore faith in God, concern for the wellbeing of others, and respecting the life within must take precedent over all the supposed glory of all the societies that bring benefits of luxury. 

Being thankful for the great and the small, but refusing to take it for granted.