It has almost been thirteen years since May 28th, 1999.
To anyone who doesn't know what happened on that day.. There's absolutely no need to describe it since it was a time of such extreme negativity that I have no desire to reflect on the energy that it once was or the details that brought forth that energy.
However.. To anyone who does understand the nature of extreme negativity, such as injustice done to you that causes extreme resentment, I must say I had a strange moment just a minute ago.
In my listening to music, piano solos specifically, there was a section that included instruments in a manner that usually remind me of Karen.
I must say I loathe my Dad's phony taste of that time since it's only appeal was the reminder to him, not the music of itself. Talk about a cruel way to get the lady to think about failed love for the future.
Anyways, I have this hard time listening to certain styles or collections by certain artists because of reminders of the lady.. And quite frankly I have this cascading effect where my thoughts go downhill in a very systematic fashion. Sometimes I pull myself out by distracting myself but usually that comes after I realize the level of negativity incurring me to be spiteful or for that matter my lack of concentration in whatever I am doing.
For all better purposes.. I would just shut the damn music off normally. But not this time....
Somehow my mind did what it should have always done, which was shut off the negativity and turn on the positive memories I shared with Karen.
Say what...?
Now pardon my bad English.. But...
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
Ok.. Ok....
I can deal with that on any note. In fact, I am actually giving my Automatic Mechanism credit for a good job done. Certainly in the direction I have pushed for in myself for so long.. It is refreshing to know that perhaps that's just the beauty of it all.
Deep down inside, I really do Forgive her. Just as I hope she can do the same.
This isn't an appeal to my Christian beliefs or my morally aware emotions.. It is simply a goal of mine I have sought after but was never able to realize. Now I know exactly why that was. My self image of that situation was guilt and pain. Now, despite time not having been the true factor, I truly do believe that life had an overstock of lemons--somehow I was at the front of the line in that particular situation.
Regardless of the blame, the tribulation I faced or otherwise the people I lost in my life.. I know that there's a brighter future ahead of me just like there was when everything hit the fan. In fact, it was going through all of that which has helped strengthen parts of me over time.
And yet, I know I have so much further to go.
Well, why stop here?
Even my death wont mark the end.
Life is much better in everything when you can keep a realistic attitude yet still see the positive spectrum!
